It was a year ago since my last post. And that last post was posted on his birthday (I didn't know him yet back then). Throughout that year, my emotions was swooping up and swooshing down like a an out-of-control maniac. I fell in love, unexpectedly. I enjoyed the beauty of love, but at the same time was consumed by its poison.
Let us call this guy, Susu. Well this was name given by me to him while he gave me Sisi. We called each other so many names, but that pair of names was the last. I actually don't know how to start writing about this, as this current state of mind is just too confused and complex.
Love is blind. Right on the last day of 2016, I fell for him since our first meeting; it was love at first sight. He just looked too well-composed and of course was my cup of tea. The palpitations, the syncopal attacks, the breathlessness, you name it, whenever I bump into him. I couldn't hold myself back and thus I went straight for him cause he claimed to be single. However things escalated wrongly unexpectedly. :(
I wonder, how can one person lie so much without having any guilt/conscience. I wonder, how can liars finally come to realisation that he was lying and it was wrong to do that. And actually I was dumb enough to believe all of that in the beginning. From his room, his gaming friend Lyst/Koala, places he had been to, with whom he went out with, with whom he had sex with, and the list goes on and on, I actually trusted him more than anyone. For once I thought I actually found someone I could depend on, could share my life, all joy and grief with, but I guess... I am fated to be ditched and alone. He has been with his roommate (Lyst) long ago I met him. Despite all the rumours of the two, I still trusted Susu when he denied, but I did the worst thing in the world, I spied on him and read his Facebook messages. Yeah, they share one single bed every night (since four years ago?), they had oral sex, they touched each other. These, happened in front of my very eyes. How on earth did that happen if Susu was being honest all the time? It hurts to know so much, and sometimes I think, is it better to not know anything or to know everything?
This break-up actually happened on 25th Oct 2016, when I saw his hands in Lyst's pants. He noticed that I was spying outside. We fought outside his room. He deleted all the photos, but I had a copy in my drive. He pushed me till I fell. He kicked me. I cried. I didn't know how to react, cause I loved him so much and yet I hated him for all the lies he told me without even blinking. He was treating me well, he cared for me, and it was the first time I feel warm because there is one person that takes care about you. He bought food for me, he taught me in my studies.
Things have been over since three months ago. However the pain still lingers till now, although not as much as the first month. That first month all I did was cry and drink. Suicidal thoughts. I cannot bear with the fact that I lost him. I remembered, we star gazed, you taught me how to look at constellations even over the phone, we had late night walks in campus, we went to the newest shopping mall, we went to the tax-free zone at the Thailand border, we went to the international kite festival, we went to Arnold's for coffee while his end of posting exams, we hunted for food at Chinatown, we went for a stroll by the river, we went for early breakfast at McD and KFC during my study week, we video called, we chatted everynight on Messenger, we slept together, we talked about anything (serious and dirty matters), we had fun. A lot. I feel so protected whenever I am with him. All these are still so surreal.
And now, not even after one year, we are strangers again. I still cannot move on, although apparently you already did. You go out with Lyst, you had sex again, you gamed with him, you laughed with him. I feel so jealous, how could you be so merciless. Well perhaps you never felt for me. It was all me only all the while. Still remembered you said you were responding to me cause of lust, not love. I still check your last seen on Messenger, I still walk around your room just to hear your voice, I still check your messages, I still think of you whenever I see/do things that are related to you. And I am now in the restricted list/Epsilon tag. :/
This love is toxic. I cannot breathe. I lost my ability to socialise. Sadness and depression have become my default mode. I am struggling to let go.
And yeah speak of the devil, Xavier, is one of the names we share in common. It's not a mutual agreement though. We had so similar thoughts. But I guess we aren't supposed to be together.
My first sight of a meteor, I wished I could be with you forever; if there is a second, I wish I can move on, love and be loved again.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I will be ready to start anew.
Still loving you now,
Sherlock/Sisi
